My First Silent Retreat

Back in January of this year, I embarked on a 5-Day Silent Retreat at Spirit Rock Meditation Center in Woodacre California. Being an off and on meditator for 20 years, I have always wanted to go to one, but the opportunity never presented itself. This year, I needed to go as a prerequisite for a 2 year course I started called MMTCP (Mindfulness Meditation Teacher Certification Program) led by two great teachers Jack Kornfield and Tara Brach. So I found a date that worked and booked my flight to San Francisco for the “Four Elements Retreat”. The shuttle picked up me and a guy from Johnson City Tennessee who I introduced myself to while waiting for the shuttle. His name was Mike and he ironically was also a musician. I could tell he, like me, was slightly anxious and nervous about going to his first retreat. The ride began with the hustle of the city, but we found ourselves passing landscape filled with lush vegetation and rolling mountains. We were now entering Spirit Rock.

We pulled in and the first thing was to take a Covid test. There was definitely some stress waiting on that result but fortunately came back with a negative test so was good to go. Next was to check in, sign up for my work detail and get my room assignment. My room was small with a twin bed, table, closet, lamp and a small sink. Each floor had a shared bathroom so I got my stuff in and began to get settled. The retreat opening session was happening in a couple hours and I was in my room, completely anxious about what was to happen over the next few days.

Everyone met at 6pm in the meditation hall for the opening night. There were about 80 in attendance and the retreat began with a 30 minute meditation followed by a talk of what to expect over the next 5 days. The talk was about how everyones’ experience on retreat can be very different. What we usually find is that as our outer distractions are taken away, our inner distractions (mind) get louder. Your experience can be a restless body and mind, or very spacious, clear and settled mind, or a combination of everything!  Mine would reveal to be all of the above and more.

The daily retreat schedule would start at 6:15am with a morning sitting meditation and throughout out the day would move between, sitting, walking, and eating meditations with yoga, and talks from the teachers along with 1 small group meeting where you could ask any questions to the teacher or just share anything about your experience so far.  So ultimately, about 6-7 hours of formal meditation a day.

The teachers for the Four Elements Retreat were Kate Mundig, Bonnie Duran, Anushka Fernandopulle and movement teacher Antonia Fokken. The theme of the elements earth, air, fire and water were weaved beautifully throughout the talks and meditations. So for example, we can feel earth element in our bodies by feeling the mass and weight of the body sitting or standing in connection to the earth. With air element, by feeling the movent of the breath. Water element, feeling the sweat, saliva, blood pumping, fluid around the joints or the movement of the digestive system. And finally with fire element by noticing places of warmth in the body. So between sitting and walking mediations throughout the day, we were asked to observe these elements internally and externally. For those who have practiced meditation know that as soon as we focus or bring our attention to anything, the mind very quickly will jump to its normal routine of random thoughts about other things. So here lies our practice. When we bring attention, whether with eyes open or closed, to anything happening in the present moment and our attention wanders off, we kindly bring it back. Over and over and over again. With time, we find that continuously returning your attention to the present with sitting or walking meditation while noticing your habitual thought patterns (without judgement) can bring a real sense of peace, insight and clarity of the mind.

So for my personal experience of the retreat, it definitely took me a couple days to settle in. My first night I was somewhat restless and found myself reorganizing my room again and again. Books were not recommended, journaling was not recommended and obviously talking was not permitted unless you needed to communicate with someone during your work detail (mine was cleaning kitchen floor with two others every night). Even then, the communication was asked to be direct and to the point without unnecessary chatter. So with all of this, I had no idea what to do with myself. I am am accustomed to filling up any free time or empty space with “something” to do, so the process of letting go of all of that was not easy.  We were also told to try to not even make eye contact with others on the retreat. I really thought to myself at first that was a bit much, but after a while, I realized the importance of that too. Eye contact with another can create a “story” or creation of thought patterns for you or the other person. “Why is that person looking at me?” or “do I know that person from somewhere?” These thought patterns are very familiar with us all, but on a silent meditation retreat it is different. People are here to dive deep within themselves to learn more about who they are so respecting others journey and metal space is very important. 

Many people who I have talked with about meditation say things like “I can’t imagine sitting and trying to stop my thoughts!” Or “No way my mind can stop thinking”. In this That is really such a misconception about what mindfulness is. Mindfulness is about noticing our thoughts and emotions without taking them personally. As we begin to pay attention to our likes, dislikes, judgements about ourselves and others, we learn about our habitual mind patterns and from there, can decide which ones help us to be the best versions of ourselves and which ones do not. On this retreat, I noticed that I complain a lot, I think about the future a lot, whether its what’s gonna happen 5 minutes from now or 20 years from now and everything in between. Observing this pattern within myself also brought a noticing of worry which caused me to feel anxiety or stress. So what insight do I gain from this? That its not necessarily skillful for me to be obsessed with the future. There is noting wrong with setting goals and executing them, but to be in constant concern about it brings feelings of worry and stress. When I see that pattern arise, I can name it and notice it and not allow it to take control of me. The idea that we are not everything we think can be very liberating for many of us. 

   My complaining mind, which came up a lot in the walking meditation, taught me about my impatience and quickness to judge. We were given the instructions for walking meditation and I honestly thought this was the most ridiculous instructions I had ever heard. Walk slowly 10-12 paces, slowly turn around and walk another 10-12 paces for 45 minutes!! My anxiety and judgmental mind were on full blast. The idea that I would walk back and forth without actually going anywhere seemed like something a crazy person would do. I mean, we are geared to be on the constant move and if we are walking, to have a desired destination, right? Well, this was a very different idea. To walk and be aware of each foot as it touches the ground, tuning into the environment, the air, the smells, sounds, my breathing, body sensations. Even keeping your focus as you turn around and begin the walk the other way. After a couple days, I began to realize that this was simply a concentration practice and that walking meditation is simply a practice that unites our body and mind. We are combining our breathing with steps and trying to keep our minds in the present. But as I was concentrating on all of these things while slowly walking, my mind and thinking would constantly try to get involved with its stories. Lots of the time complaining, judging others, worrying, and other things the mind naturally does. Each time I got lost in thought, I would simply note what was happening and return to the instructions. Notice a pattern here?  I was slowly realizing that every instruction given on this retreat was simply a continuation of my meditation practice. 

Even breakfast, lunch and dinner were all instructed to do mindfully. Mindful Eating was (and still is) something I need a lot of work on. I am always the guy who eats and drinks quickly and I knew that this part of the retreat would be a challenge. It is recommended to set your fork or spoon down in between bites and really notice the taste and sensations of eating and to keep yourself from the hurriedness that we most usually find ourselves in. The hall was a beautiful place with some of the best vegetarian food I have ever had. There was a ceremonial act to the beginning of each meal. The chef would come out and ring the bell, bow to the Buddha statue and then bow to the people waiting in line. Those waiting would then bow to the chef and the serving would begin.

So after a few days of being in this environment without any distractions I noticed my mind and world begin to really slow down. My walks to the meditation hall before sunrise would be slow and quiet. My walking mediation became an art form of grace with slow and still movements while being connected more to my body and breathing. My eating slowed down and I felt a sense of gratitude to everyone there who made each meal possible. Even a sense of gratitude to the farmers who grew the food and the trucks who delivered it. I noticed my ability to listen to the teachers and talks with more presence and focus. On several hikes around the grounds, I felt a deeper connection to the Earth and much more aware of my surroundings while truly alive in my senses. I also felt this deep inner peace and connection with all the others there with me. All of us together learning about ourselves and that inner wisdom and knowing to help us be the best version of ourselves for not only us, but those around us. In a world that continues to try to divide us all, this is a true path to help lead us all to that liberation and freedom that was all seek in one way or another.

As the retreat came to a close, we were able to get out phones back and talk to others. I remember looking at my phone and wanting to turn it on just to get a few pictures, but dreading the blow up of notifications that was going to occur. I immediately put my phone in airplane mode and walked around the grounds to get a few pictures. Even at the moment of being able to talk, I could sense many of us really enjoying the spacious container we felt within from the days of meditation and being in silence together. The ride back to the airport was also really quiet with an occasional “where are you from?” or “whats your name?”. I have to say that going back into the real world and hustle and bustle of the airport was definitely an adjustment. Even entering back into life at home took a little time to adjust but my time on retreat was like nothing Ive ever experienced before. I can say that attending one or two of these per year is highly recommended by me. We can all be a benefit to ourselves and others by understanding ourselves and our world a little better.